It’s your little sister Kyra. I think I can speak on behalf of many of your other little sisters too when I say this...I’m tired. No, I’m not sleepy or exhausted or anything but at times I get tired of running this race marked out before me. I know you’re in prison so if you don’t get back to me right away, I’ll understand.
While I haven’t been shipwrecked like you or beaten severely like you or close to death as many times as you, things have been pretty rough. I can’t go out as much as I’d like to or do all the things with my kids that I’d like to or have as much financial security as I’d like to have. I know that right now I’m in a season of truly depending on God to provide for me but it felt much more comfortable when I was working a 9-5 full time. I know that God put it on my heart to stay home and homeschool my kids while working on my business but the comfort and financial stability of sending them to school and working a full time job again calls out to me. I haven’t given in yet but it is mental hardship that I face.
I remember you sharing that you worked tirelessly, sometimes even going without food. You experienced hunger and thirst and you were cold and naked. Well, our family still has food to eat and beverages to drink but we can’t go out to eat as much as we use to. We downsized our home so we don't have as much space as we’d prefer to have. Things just aren’t the way we’d prefer them to be in general. So when I say that I’m tired, what I mean is that I’m tired of doing what God continues to instruct me to do. I know it’s the best plan for me, which is why I continue to do it, but I must admit that I miss the (false) freedom of depending on my job to take care of me. At times I reminisce of when I could up and go and do what I pleased. I think back on following my own plans for my life. They weren’t horrible plans. It’s not like I want to go back to sinning or anything. I just want to run my life a little bit. I know that we talked about surrendering our lives and our wills to Christ but sheesh, I though His Will would be closer to my own preferences. By the way, you’re doing a good job in that department. I think you’re in prison right now for preaching the gospel. So, I’m sure you can relate at least a little bit to what I’m going through.
At first, I didn’t know how you did it. I didn’t understand how you kept pressing on even when your life was at stake or you had little to nothing. Then, I came across a letter that your wrote to some of our family in Philippi. You were telling them about pressing towards the heavenly prize that awaits us when we finish the race. I wondered how you stayed focus on that with everything going on around you that was unfavorable and out of your control. You mentioned that you forget those things that are left behind and look ahead. I guess I should stop looking back to the life that I use to live and focus on what God is calling me to that’s in front of me. I know He has great things in store for me. I just have to finish strong.
Later, you reminded them to be content with whatever they have whether it’s a little or a lot. Right now might be my season of a little but I’ll choose to be content and grateful for what I do have. Now that I think about it, you might have had things a tad worse than I did and you didn’t stop. You didn’t give up or give in. You didn’t trade God’s plans in for your own. I’m going to follow suit. You also just reminded me that many our brothers and sisters around the world are literally dying just so they can follow God and His Will. I shouldn’t be upset that I have the liberty and freedom to freely worship Him with my life by obeying His plans for me.
Ok, ok, ok. Now I’m beginning to feel a little silly. I’m not saying that the conveniences that I used to have weren’t nice and not having them now is well, an inconvenience. That’s true but I have so much more in following God and His plans, even when I’m tired of seemingly not getting my way of living a life of ease. God didn’t call us to a life of ease but of peace and rest in Him. If I can’t do everything that I’d like to do, so be it. Let me share Christ with this world while I can because sooner than I know it, I won’t have that opportunity. You said for you to live is Christ and to die is gain. I want your words to be my words.
Well thanks for listening to me pour out my heart. Thanks for being a great example for all of us!
Your sister in Christ,
2 Corinthians 11:16-33
2 Timothy 4:7-8
1 Corinthians 9:24-27